Sunday, June 15, 2008

It's A Puzzlement

The staircases at the college are tall and steep and spiral-ish. Why don't I ever see anybody slide down? Is it all those cameras?

Wouldn't you think a witch's tit would be hot, not cold?

Why is it that when you go to bed at night, the weeds and the flowers are the same height, but when you get up the next morning day, the weeds are a foot tall and have grown a big seedpod?

Why does the grass in the "weedeater section" grow so much faster than the regular grass in the lawn?

How does it happen that I, a person who hates watermelon and all other foods that have the word "melon" in them, am so good at picking out a prime one?

Don't you all love local similes? "Dumber than Dode Mockey." "He could eat corn through a picket fence." "She looks like she's been rode hard and put up wet." A little jewel about a brick shithouse. There's another one Dad used to say, but I can't remember it. Tumorless Sister? A little help here?

If all the drive-throughs in all the restaurants in the world had a device that would instantly eject any car that dared to place a 'special order' during rush hour, that would be an awesomely wonderful thing.

Wouldn't it be cool if elevators had an invisible shield that refused to allow anyone who smelled like smoke, too much perfume, or just general stank, to enter?

Why do restaurants offer my favorite things only as occasional specials?

It's almost a hundred degrees, and not one soft drink company has anything on sale. Eight bucks for Coke? I don't think so; totally not worth it. Marsh, here I come.

It might be almost a hundred degrees, but taking your child out in public wearing only a diaper or, far worse, underpants, is just plain nasty. NASTY!

Even nastier is putting your kid in a public pool, wearing only that diaper. NASTIER.

Please notice that the positive degree of "nasty" is, indeed, "nasty. However, the comparative degree - two and only two - requires that we change the "y" to "i" and add "er." If I were to use the superlative degree - three or more - I would still change the "y" to "i" and add "est." This word changes in this way because it's a little word. Bigger words add "more" or "most," and NO WORDS use both. Why doesn't everyone know this? I find this one of the most frustratingest things when scoring essays. Really, it's one of the maddeningest things ever. More grosser than you can even imagine.

"Anyway" NEVER has an "s" at the end. Never. Ever. No no no no no no not ever. "Anyways" is the answer to the question, "What's your IQ?"

My cats have been flea-and-tick-treated at the vet. Now, when a tick jumps on one of them, it immediately leaps off and onto my arm. A tick walking on top of your arm hairs is juuuust enough sensation to wake you up. About this, I have only one thing to say: "AAAAAAAAAGH!"

As I type, there is a little dainty gray cat napping on top of my computer mouse. I find this adorable, and not in the least puzzling. It's a mouse, isn't it?

Expensive cat food gives my cats bad breath. Cheap cat food doesn't. Go figure.

I find myself talking to my cats and expecting them to understand and react as if they were humans. Then I catch myself, get a few giggles at my expense, and do it again.

That stack of essays isn't going to grade itself, you know. But wouldn't it be cool if it did?

My kids came down today and I served them Spanish hamburgers, corn on the cob, baked beans, deviled eggs, and freshly home-bought Lay's chips. I feel bad because I didn't bake a birthday cake for Belle, but it was almost a hundred degrees!

Which brings me back to that point about the witch's tit. . . . .

Yul was right.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly