Monday, May 19, 2008

For The World In General and For The Person In That Middle Seat, Especially

Oh my gosh, I LOVE flying! I even like the bumps; they remind me of carnival rides, which I also love.

But I wouldn't be ME without a litany of complaints, now would I?

Don't you think it would be nice if everybody was required to shower thoroughly before being allowed on a crowded airplane? I do. I really do.

Some parenting classes before being permitted to reproduce oneself and take said offspring on a plane (or any public place whatsoever) would also be much appreciated by the universe at large. Children who are required to behave properly wherever they go will behave properly on a plane if they know you mean business. Put the kid in his seat, buckle him in, and say, "Now behave yourself, look out the window, sit still, and enjoy the ride. Any talking must be done in your indoor voice." Hopefully, he has a full understanding of what WILL happen to him should he choose to disobey you. Give the kid some gum, too; his ears are popping. And did you really think your Mini-Cooper-sized stroller would fit in the overhead compartment? Oh, and why wouldn't they give that behemoth stroller a thorough going-over at security? Your superior, entitled attitude might have had something to do with it, and besides, a swanky stroller would be an ideal place to hide stuff. Honestly, it was like putting up with Meg and Hamilton Swan, except their dog would have been more pleasant to sit near on a plane.

Did you happen to notice the lovely little boy who spent the three hours and twenty minutes talking quietly to his mother, coloring, dozing, being grateful and appreciative for the peanuts and juice, smiling at people, dozing some more, and looking out the window with pure joy? You probably didn't, but everyone else on the plane did. That child and his parents made us all smile, and your child and you made us cringe.

Helpful hint for all who plan to fly any time soon or in the future: Pee before you get on the plane. This having to unbuckle and run to the can while the plane is taking off is absolutely ridiculous. Your whining to the attendant about not being allowed, is even more so.

I love flying; I haven't done much of it but hope to change that stat soon. If you are going to sit by me, please take a bath before you come to the airport. And if you're too fat to fit in the one seat you paid for, splurge for a first-class seat next time. I've had my share and more of having to share my seat with someone else's ass. So not fair. Oh, and turn your music down. I can't hear mine.

Tra la la, don't you wish I were YOUR seatmate? I'm so easy to get along with as long as everybody behaves.

I'm not so far gone that I'll yell at your kids to get out of my yard - I love it when your kids play in my yard, in fact - but if your kids don't behave themselves in my yard, you'll know about it.

I wanted to know; I just assume all parents want to know. I also assume all parents will do something about it, on the ground and in the air.

Children who refuse to behave are brats; adults who refuse to behave are. . . why, my goodness, they're brats, too!

And NOBODY likes a brat.