Thursday, April 26, 2007

Statistics 101

I'm going to share with you the results of the combined statistics, opinions, quotations, rants, and raves of two of my classes of adult students. Harken ye thereof. . . .

Topic: "The Perfect Spouse/Partner"

Each of 56 students (ages 18-64) (average age: 36) (31 women, 25 men) made a list of the top 12 attributes of the perfect spouse/partner. Here are the results, averaged, and ranked in order of importance.

1. Faithful (#1 on all lists but one)
2. Trustworthy
3. Honest
4. Kind/Helpful (tie)
5. Sense of humor
6. Low maintenance
7. Willing to work/Help support family
8. No drugs or drunks
9. Independent/not "needy"
10. Does his/her fair share
11. Sexual energy (this was near the bottom of everybody's list) (this was #1 for the student who was the exception to "faithful.")
12. Loves me, and shows/proves it by being most of the above

Now, for Part 2, which was: "What would you change about your own spouse/partner?"

1. His/her trust levels
2. He/she needs to get a job
3. Do your fair share around the house
4. Turn off the damn TV
5. Pay attention to your kids
6. His/her sex drive
7. Get off my back
8. Get a life
9. His/her weight
10. Show some appreciation
11. Show some genuine affection
12. Tell the truth

Now, here's the really interesting part: the comments. They were allowed to find cited statements, or put things in their own words.

These are in no particular order. I am just copying them from the notecards.

1. It is a terrible thing not to become an adult when one ceases to be a child. (good quote)

2. A person who is nice to you, and rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (I've used that one before.)

3. One-celled organisms and bottom feeders and termites can breed. That doesn't make them parents. You have to stick around afterwards to be a parent.

4. Real adults don't follow their hormones out the door. Butt-sniffing four-legged animals who also eat their own vomit do that. Ever see a dog in heat? That's my wife.

5. Adults who use their second-best manners at home don't really have any manners.

6. Real men/women don't leave. They stick around and finish what they started.

7. He was so suspicious of me, he taped all my phone conversations. And I've never done a THING - he's the one who committed adultery!

8. Can't she understand that sometimes I just need to get out of this house?

9. My husband thinks I went back to school to meet other men.

10. My dad left us when I was nine. He never called or sent a card or a dime or anything. For eleven years, there was nothing from him. Mom did it all alone. Then I guess he wanted to meet some of my friends and try his retarded old-man horndog wiles on them, so he called me and pretended he was sorry and wanted me to meet him at Wendy's. I got as far as the door, and I saw him trying to flirt with my friend and the look on his face made me sick. She was creeped out and scared and then she saw me and we both ran out. He'll never change, and I don't want a dad who thinks he's a young stud. That's just disgusting.

11. My best friend's dad stuck around and did his job. Everybody envies my best friend. I want to be like his dad, not mine.

12. My friend's mom has three kids, all with different fathers, and now she's moved in with my uncle, who abandoned his two kids for her bastards.

13. Why buy the cow if the milk is free? (oldie but goodie)

14. If she left him for you, she'll leave you for me. Don't get too comfy there, yet.

15. I left a wife who loved me and children who needed me, because I was an immature bastard who just had to have one more fling, every month or so. One more. Just one more. Well, I had it, and it was fantastic. Then she met an immature bastard with money and it was over. I would give anything if I'd grown up a little sooner and learned to laugh at whores, not move in with them.

16. A women who will "let," will "sublet."

17. A man with a roving eye isn't really a man.

18. My ex-husband couldn't leave the mall without buying something. Usually, she charged by the hour. He came home from a shopping spree one afternoon with a deep scratch on his back. He couldn't see it and I didn't tell him. It got infected and left a scar shaped like the initials "C.F." That was how I knew he'd slept with my sister.

19. My wife is insatiable to the point that it's no longer sexy. She's like a lab rat or a barnyard animal. Hell, I can't even read the paper!

20. He got mad one night and told our kids that if it wasn't for them, he'd be free and happy. They haven't been the same since that night.

21. Any time our son reminds my wife of me, she makes fun of him and tells him why.

22. If God had known what my husband was going to do with that penis, He would never have let him have one.

23. My husband wanted kids to prove to the world that he was indeed a man. Now that he's got them, he's done. I'm the one who takes care of them.

24. All my husband ever does is drink beer, smoke grass, and yell at athletes on tv. Oh, and at me and the kids.

25. When I get home from work, I get busy around the house. When Bob gets home, he goes straight to his big chair and barks at the rest of us to bring him things. One of these days, I'm going to bring him something he won't like a bit.

26. My mom had an affair with my 5th grade teacher and I still hate her for it. She told me her private life was none of my business but when every kid in your school knows your mom is fucking your teacher, it WAS my business, dammit. I could not WAIT to move out of her house. God, I hate her so much for not caring enough about me to behave herself.

27. Mom was 14 when she had me. If she'd really loved me, she would have let adults adopt me instead of keeping me so she could get welfare and guvment cheese which she gave to her parade of men.

28. Doesn't he realize that I'd love to be "ME," too? The only difference between us is that I keep my promises and he doesn't even remember his.

29. My wife weighs at least 250 pounds now. I'm sorry, but I just can't look any more. I'd like to knock those M&M's out of her hands but she'd probably kill me for them.

30. He laughs at me when I ask him not to go out of an evening.

31. His last whore used really good perfume. Maybe I should call her and ask her what kind it is. She lives across the street, and I was babysitting her kids when she was screwing Larry. His clothes reeked of it, and I recognized it when she stopped by Monday night.

32. Does he really think I don't know? Hell, it's all over town.

33. I'm a nice guy, really. I work hard and I love my kids and I love Cheryl. Why isn't that enough? Now she says she's in love with our pastor and she's taking the kids with her. And he had the gall to ask the church to pray for ME last Sunday!

34. I don't care what she says - if she doesn't get a job, we're going to lose this house. We can't afford a SAHM.

35. He/she never laughs.

36. He/she laughs at everything.

37. You know how they get goats and mules to move by dangling a carrot on a stick in front of them? Well, then, you've met my husband. Just substitute a whore for the carrot.

38. A little porn never hurt anybody. She needs to loosen up.

39. If he would just wait 'till the children are out of the house, I'd love to watch a little porn.

40. I'd love to be more affectionate, but everything turns into sex. If I touch his hand, he slides my hand to his crotch. If I lean on him, he starts groping. He can't put his arm around me without going for my breast. I'd like actual sex a lot more if the little things were allowed to stay little until such time. . . .

41. My family thinks my husband is such a great husband and father, but the truth is, he's had one affair after another, and one of his women is in this class. Did you really think he would leave me for you, Dearie? He never will, because the money is mine. But he makes my life miserable every day, even while I can't help loving him.

42. Sometimes when I look at my kids, all I can see is expense, problems, annoyances, and three reasons why I can't do anything I really want to do. Sometimes I wish they weren't mine but hell, all three of them look exactly like me. They're great kids, really. But I am so jailed by their existence.

43. Mom walked out the door after Dad had his last affair. We still don't know where she is. It's been 8 years. I still want her to come back and save the younger kids from Dad's succession of cheap tramps. Please, Mom?

44. I know the real reason my wife wants to stay home with the kids. Who does she think she's kidding? I hate having the neighbors feel sorry for me.

45. Believe me, Peter Pan makes a really lousy husband.

46. My wife started cheating on me before our baby was even crawling. I'm a nice guy, why would she do that? And her current whoremonger has a nice wife, too. Maybe she'd be interested in meeting me after I throw Donna out for good next time.

47. We've been married for fifteen years and has he ever told the truth to me, even once? I don't think he even knows how.

48. The bank foreclosed on our house because while I thought he was paying the bills, he was playing poker online and sending flowers to women he'd met online. Several mortgage payments worth of bimbo flowers.

49. Dear Danny, those aren't love handles any more. I neither love them nor can I handle them.

50. He was outraged when I was laid off. At first I thought he was sympathizing with me but then I realized that with me at home, he can't woo his women.

There were just as many positive comments, but I will save those for another post.

You know, these students are really nice people. They're sensitive and kind and they don't deserve to be treated as they've been treated. I guess if they were serial skank mamas and daddies, they wouldn't be so devasted at these betrayals, but the truth is, they loved their spouses/partners and the selfish lack of consideration was traumatic.

I'm exhausted from caring so hard about these people's hearts.

After class, they didn't want to go home; they wanted to finish compiling the stats. So we did. And here they are.

May we all learn a lesson or two from them.

Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly