Monday, April 30, 2007

Cutz and Permz and Bratz and Whorz and Little Lambz Eat Ivy

Dear Business World:

If your business's name ends in an "s," please do not spell it with a "z" instead. It is not cute, it is not cool, and while it does grab my attention, it doesn't do so in the way you think it does. I do not buy "toyz." I hate restrooms that say "Girlz" and "Boyz." And even if those slutty "Bratz" dolls were cute and didn't cost a million dollars apiece and didn't look like nickel hookers and had real feet, I wouldn't buy one, because someone in your marketing department thought "Bratz" was a cute way to spell a word that actually means "gross disgusting child." Most people get those for free, with just a little lax parenting; only a fool would buy one with hard-earned dollarz.

The same goes for your business's goodz or servicez.

Every day, I have to drive past a hairstyling salon, and while it's bad enough that some of them now make their customers sit in a picture window and have themselves "done" with the whole world watching, their amateurish little hand-lettered signz are all misspelled and stupid-looking and I just can't stand it. All their window-paint wordz are misspelled, too. I do not trust anyone in there to touch me.

Oh, perky little salon owner: I would never patronize your salon for two reasonz: you advertise "cutz" and "permz" at low, low pricez, and this offendz me, and even though you are on one of the busiest cornerz in this town, you make your customerz sit right smack up against the glass wall in full panoramic view of the entire town. If I'm going to have my hair cut, I want to be able to relax and sit any old way, in privacy and seclusion, and not worry about keeping my kneez together every moment, and a person just can't do that if a person is sitting in a goldfish bowl in full sight of every single person in this town at any given moment, on a streetcorner with a war-and-peace-length stoplight, behind-glass-yet-fully-public, being required to strike posez not unlike those of the whorz leaning against the lamppostz just on the other size of the glass wallz. Hey, I told you it waz a busy corner.

It's not just you, either, Perky. Lotz of the hair salonz are making their customerz sit where the entire mall or sidewalk can see them. Whose bright idea was that, anyway? I hate you.

Besides, if you've ever seen someone getting his/her hair 'done,' you would know that it'z not a pretty sight. It doesn't lure customerz into your salon. It does provide a gathering place for old men; there's almost always a gaggle of them gathered outside the glass, watching. Was that your goal? You want more 89-year-old male customerz?

Watching. . . . . see, that creepz me out entirely. I do not wish to be watched while I'm being shampooed and blow-dried and trimmed. I even hate the waiting area full of little kidz, who stare and stare and stare. It's as creepy as being in the hospital emergency room, waiting, while strangerz and ill-mannered little kids walk up and down the hall and look in and stare every time they pass by.

That's why I cut my own hair with the manicure scissorz. At this stage of the game, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference, anyway. I always do it in the bathroom with the shades drawn and the door locked.

I associate the glass wallz and the public viewingz with the letter "z."

Such business anticz were thought up by foolz.

Oh, and if you're still patronizing these placez, count your change carefully. People who are careless and/or cutesy with their spelling are usually careless in other aspectz of the business, too.