Monday, January 01, 2007

MY EYES! Oh, The Horror, The Horror!

I used to wear a blue denim string bikini and I looked good in it. It was a size 5, and I wore it for many years. I had assets well worth showing off, and I did.

Fortunately for the feng shui of the universe, I have not worn a bikini of any kind for a loooong long time. I still have assets, but only the first three letters, and it's really large now. If I wore a bikini today, it would be doing a grave disservice to the planet.

That being said, why do they sell bikinis in my size? WHY? Is there a woman my size somewhere who honestly believes she still looks good in one? Does this woman not own a mirror? Is this woman visually or mentally impaired in some way? Why would someone this large require a bikini?

Even the fetish bars can only go so far before somebody's brains and eyeballs implode.

Please, bikini-makers, don't make huge bikinis. If you make them, somewhere out there is a woman whose body is being slowly crushed with her own blobs and festoons of fat, who thinks that she has a right to wear one. Creepier still, somewhere out there are huge jiggly women who think they look good in one.

Don't even get me started on sexy lingerie for the obese, because no matter what the marketing people say, there is no way in hell that panties requiring four yards of satin and lace are going to be attractive.

I think there comes a time in some peoples' lives when a few unpleasant personal facts have to be faced, and one of those facts is that if your stomach hangs down over your belly button, you should, for the sake of your fellow Planet Earth inhabitants, cover it up. Completely. With fabric that can't be seen-through.