Friday, July 28, 2006

My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die.

Internet: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I getting all these emails? Where is our common sense?
Mamacita: Let me 'splain. [pause] No, there is too much. Let me sum up. A few homeschoolers interpreted a post as an attack on their methodology and lifestyles, when in truth many of their children are bright and ambitious and successful. Most bloggers seem to believe that limiting a child’s education is bad, and I have to turn in my grades in a little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is agree to disagree, shake hands, stop fighting, and concentrate on our kids, not our egos, after I eat this sandwich.
Internet: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
Mamacita: You just made a positive statement! That's wonderful.
Internet: I've always been a quick study. What are our liabilities?
Mamacita: There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by many opinionated people who mean well but who will occasionally misinterpret a well-meaning blog post.
Internet: And our assets?
Mamacita: Our brains, our strength, our children.
Internet: I mean, if we only had a common goal, that would be something.
Mamacita: Where we did we put those photos of our children?
Internet: Over by the bedstand and all over the refrigerator, I think.
Mamacita: Well, why didn’t you list those among our assets in the first place?

Everyone: Give us the gate key.
Government: We have no gate key.
Everyone: All together then, tear their arms off!
Government: Oh, you mean THIS gate key.

Impressive Politician: Edumacation. Edumacation is wot bwings us togevah, today. Edumacation, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wifin a dweam . . .
Mob: (Burn those books, boys. Curtail exposure to all which we personally do not desire!)
Impressive Politician: And wuv, twu wuv, will fowow you foweva, and evah. . .
Mob: Skip to the end! I want to see those SCORES!
Impressive Politician: So tweasure your wuv. . . .
Mob: Skip to the END!
Impressive Politician: Have you the wesults?
Mob: Testing and scores, Say ‘testing and scores!’
Impressive Politician: Testing and scores.
Mob: Ha! Your pig philosophy is too late!

Miracle Maxim: Bye bye, kids. Have fun storming the system!
Union: Do you think it’ll work?
Miracle Maxim: It’d take a miracle.

Bad Parent: You’re very smart. Shut up. Oops, I didn’t mean to jog him so hard.

Child: Where am I?
Stern Voice: The Pit of Despair. Don’t even think about trying to escape. The rulebook is far too thick. Don’t dream of being rescued, either; that’s a secret. Only the principal, the governor, and your mother know how to get in and out, and your mother can't pick you up until six thirty.
Child: So I'm here till I die?
Stern Voice: Or until you pass the big test, yeah.
Child: Then why bother filling the vending machines with healthy food, doing away with recess, art, music, and PE, and making me sit next to a crazy kid with a foul mouth and a big knife?
Stern Voice: Well, the government and the non-voters always insist on everyone being healthy before they’re broken.
Child: So it’s to be torture? I can cope with torture. Don’t you believe me?
Stern Voice: You survived Pre-K and Kindergarten, so you must be very brave, but no one completely withstands the STANDARDS. But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Child: That’s VERY comforting, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait.
Stern Voice: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Politician.
Child: No good. I’ve known too many Politicians.
Stern Voice: Isn’t there any way you would trust me?
Child: Nothing comes to mind.

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Come on now, people. We all want what is best for our children. You do what you think is best, I'll do what I think is best, and everyone else can do what they think is best. And those of us with blogs will continue to post opinions.