Monday, December 05, 2005

Old rotten potatoes.

Since fourteen of you graciously asked what our oven meal consisted of (and you all said 'please' so I have to oblige; it's magic, you know) here is what we dined upon last night:

meat loaf (I know, I know, my meatloaf is the worst in the world, but I tried a new recipe and it wasn't bad. . . .)
au gratin potatoes (the kids used to call it "old rotten potatoes" but they're actually delish
baked beans (mine ARE delish.)
corn bread

I never said it was nutritious. I only said it was good. I'm not sure why I even bothered to eat it; I should have just sat in my plate. That's where it all ends up anyway.

It would eliminate the middleman. But the middleman is the best part!!!!

And for the three of you who asked for my pizza recipe:

In a medium-sized bowl, throw in 1/4 tsp yeast, 1/2 tsp sugar, 1 tbs oil, dash salt, 1/2 cup water, and approximately a cup of flour. Adjust the flour as needed, to get a good consistency. Mix it all together and let it rise for about ten minutes. Then smash it out onto a pizza pan. Cover with tomato sauce. Sprinkle with oregano. Cover with whatever toppings you like best. Bake in 450 oven for approximately twelve minutes; keep checking. Bottom rack. Remove from oven and cover with mozzarella cheese, put back in oven till cheese melts. Eat.

If you want to toss it up in the air and swirl it around on your fingertips, go right ahead. It really does do better when it's played with like that. But don't blame me if it gets caught in the ceiling fan and shoots out all over your kitchen. And if that does happen, a few pictures would be nice.

This week and next are finals. There were so few students in my two classes today, for the review session, that I showed them the test and let them copy stuff down.

Oh, but what about the poor students who skipped today? They'll be seeing that huge thick test for the very first time when next they meet. How dreadful for them. Poor things. What about their rights? What about their self esteem when they find out what they missed? Well, what about them? I think Moltar said it best: "Yeah, whatever. "

If they want the good stuff, they have to show up. Otherwise. . . . well, what Moltar said.

I helped them figure out the answer to the bonus question, too.

And if anyone complains, well, I know just what I'll say.

"Bite me."

Oh, okay, I won't actually SAY that to a student, but it's what I'll be thinking as I say the exact same thing in teacher-speak.

You know, TEACHER-speak. That annoying language teachers use when they talk to or about stupid people. As in, "He's certainly an energetic little fellow" when speaking of unmedicated ADHD Billy, as he's escorted out of the building by three cops, for drawing a butterfly knife on a little boy during recess because he wanted to bat NOW, not later, and the kids insisted he wait his turn. . . . .

Or, "She certainly dotes on being involved" when speaking of Lisa's mother, who eats lunch every day at the school and cleans out her daughter's locker at the end of each day, after she packs up all the books and goes 'round to all the teachers making sure of each homework assignment and takes down and brushes and restyles the child's hair while standing in the hallway because there were a few hairs out of place after a day at school, laughing sheepishly all the while and talking to anyone who'll listen about how she really needs to get a life of her own. . . . Yeah, duhhh.

Teacher-speak. Mostly it's an outhouse full of euphemisms designed to disguise what we really think. I loathe and despise euphemisms so I don't use it all that often. Just when I'm especially disgusted. Like today.

So, absent students, when you come in to take your big final exam and notice the students with a study guide that looks a lot like your test, don't come whining to me. If you'd come to class, you'd have one, too. I won't say 'bite me' but it will mean the same thing, and we'll both know it.

Need a guide? No problem. I've posted this before, but here it is again:

A DICTIONARY OF EDUCATION EUPHEMISMS (by Linda Starr)

Molly demonstrates problems with spatial relationships. (It's November and she still hasn't found her locker.)

Sarah exhibits exceptional verbal skills and an obvious propensity for social interaction. (She never stops talking.)

Paul's leadership qualities need to be more democratically directed. (He's a bully.)

Jonathan accomplishes tasks when his interest is frequently stimulated. (He has the attention span of a gnat.)

Donald is making progress in learning to express himself respectfully. (He doesn't use as many vulgarities when talking back to me.)

Alfred demonstrates some difficulty meeting the challenges of information retention. (He'd forget his name if it wasn't taped to his desk or written on his forearm in indelible ink.)

Bunny needs encouragement in learning to form lasting friendships. (Nobody likes her.)

Kenny is working toward grade level. (He may even reach it -- next year.)

Joel appears to be aware of all classroom activities. (He just can't focus on the one we're involved in.)

Sandy seems to have difficulty distinguishing between fact and fantasy. (He lies like a rug.)

Allie enjoys dramatization. She may be headed for a career in show business. (Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus comes to mind.)

Takira's creative writing skills are reminiscent of Socrates. (It's all Greek to me.)

Elinor is a creative problem solver. (She hasn't gotten an answer right yet.)

Jack demonstrates an avid interest in recreational reading. (He "recreates" while other students read.)

Mayrita appears to be showing an increased desire to consider demonstrating acceptable classroom behavior. (She now appears to know some of the classroom rules. Some day she may even obey one.)

Pablo participates enthusiastically in art activities. He's especially adept at throwing pottery. (And paint. And erasers. And. . . . .)

Jeremy is stimulated by participation in sequential activities. (He consistantly insists on fighting his way to the front of the recess line.)

Juanita needs more home study time. (Could you please keep her home more often?)

Michael demonstrates a need for guidance in the appropriate use of time.
(Three hours a day is entirely too much time to spend picking his nose.)

David frequently appears bored and restless. You might want to consider placing him in a more challenging environment. (Prison, perhaps?)

--

I think Bobbie Gentry said it best: "Euphemism is a euphemism for lying."

Yes, THAT Bobbie Gentry.