Sunday, September 25, 2005

Once I put two eggs in the crock pot to keep them from rolling off the table, and I forgot where I put them. I found them weeks later. Pew.

I read a lot of spam because someone I love takes the time to send it to me, but I read my cousin Mitzi's forwards for other reasons as well.

1. I love her.

2. She's usually the first one to pass something along to me.

3. She only sends the good stuff.

Actually, none of the southern Indiana cousins knows her all that well. She's one of the northern cousins, and until we all grew up, there wasn't very much visiting back and forth. She's a social worker, and from just knowing her a little bit, I know she's a very good one.

Here is her latest spam. You don't have to love her to know it's a good one, even if you've seen it a dozen or more times already.

Who's Old ?

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

-- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it!

-- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. (This one isn't that funny. There are too many of those types still on the streets.)

-- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

-- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

-- (I'm going out to hide some eggs.)

... Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

--My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

-- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

--I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

--It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

-- People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! (Provided we get cable or that dish thing. )

--The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

--These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

--I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

--Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

-- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. . . Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

(Item: don't turn a good spam into a stupid chain letter.)