Monday, September 12, 2005

The fellow rolled down his window and yelled for me to hear, "Hey Buddy, how do I get this car out of second gear?" Beep beep, beep beep.

Dear Other Drivers,

Use your turn signals. Wait your turn. Don't stick the nose of that huge gas-guzzler so far out into my lane that I have to stop or swerve. Turn on your lights when the sun starts to go down. No, not the brights. If you have those ultra-bright halogen lights in addition to your headlights, you are still not cool. The middle lane is there for a reason. No, not that reason. It's for turning. Don't drive in it; it's for turning. TURNING. Not driving. And no, you are not an exception. Stop honking your horn at me; I'm not going until the light turns green. If you choose to go 80 in a 55 zone, don't act surprised when you're pulled over. Choices bring consequences. And unless someone is giving birth in your back seat, there really isn't any legitimate reason to go that fast unless you just want to impress chicks. And guess what: chicks aren't impressed. Well, maybe THOSE chicks are, but not the ones who'd be your first choice. When all's said and done, wouldn't you really rather have one with teeth? Hang up the phone and watch the road, you nincompoop. And oh, maybe you should know that if you put your makeup on or shave while driving, everyone can usually tell. Get up ten minutes earlier, Tammy Faye. And strap that kid down in a car seat. I hope the police pull you over for that one. Kid doesn't LIKE the car seat? Well, isn't that too bad. Strap the kid down anyway. And if he raises a stink, go through the drive-through at Jiffy Treat and buy everyone in the car an ice cream cone except the Hissy Highness, and eat them slowly in front of his hysterical screaming spoiled arse. Don't forget to say things like "if you'd been good, you could have had one too." Maybe next time he'll behave.

You all think I'm kidding, don't you.

Wrong.

And don't any of you share with him, either.

(It's 1:41 a.m. and I still have over forty essays to grade. Wanna come over?)

(Update: it's after 3:30 a.m. and I'm still grading. Are you sure you can't come over?)

(Update: it's after 7:00 a.m. and I've finally finished two sections of essays. That's enough for today. I'll finish the others tonight.)

(And today I have to turn in a student for plagiarism. Did she really think I wouldn't know?)

(I hate doing that.)

(I REALLY hate doing that. . . .)

(I'm not really crying over it.)

(It's allergies.)