Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Aloha Ow: Love, greetings, farewell, hello; from such a pain you should never know.

Oh, is it time to be politically correct again? At school? Well, if we must. . . .

Now don't any of you be offended. I mean, "euphorically-challenged."

No one fails a class any more; he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention; you're just one of the "exit delayed."
Your classroom isn't too crowded; it's just "passage restrictive."
No student is lazy; he's "energentically declined." She has "dawdling issues."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded any more; they merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out of notebook" experience.
You're not sleeping in class; you're 'rationing consciousness.'
You're not late, you just have a 'rescheduled arrival time.'
You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from 'rebellious follicle syndrome.'
You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall. They are "vertically enhanced."
No one's short. They are "vertically challenged."
No one's clumsy. They are 'gravitationally challenged."
No one's shy. They are "conversationally selective."
No one's too talkative. They are "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food in the cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

All ways of NOT telling it like it is. I hate euphemisms. I've ranted about them before and every year it gets worse. We are not fooling any kids. It's easy, however, to fool their parents.

More, from an awesome teacher-website the url of which I have lost. If anyone knows it, please tell me and I'll put it right on here so she can get credit for her wit!

Molly demonstrates problems with spatial relationships.It's November and she still hasn't found her cubby.
Sarah exhibits exceptional verbal skills and an obvious propensity for social interaction.She never stops talking.
Paul's leadership qualities need to be more democratically directed. He's a bully.
Jonathan accomplishes tasks when his interest is frequently stimulated. He has the attention span of a gnat.
Donald is making progress in learning to express himself respectfully. He no longer uses vulgarities when talking back to me.
Alfred demonstrates some difficulty meeting the challenges of information retention. He'd forget his name if it wasn't taped to his desk.
Bunny needs encouragement in learning to form lasting friendships. Nobody likes her.
Kenny is working toward grade level. He may even reach it -- next year.
Joel appears to be aware of all classroom activities. He just can't focus on the one we're involved in.
Sandy seems to have difficulty distinguishing between fact and fantasy. He lies like a rug.
Allie enjoys dramatization. She may be headed for a career in show business. Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus comes to mind.
Takira's creative writing skills are reminiscent of Socrates. It's all Greek to me.
Elinor is a creative problem solver. She hasn't gotten an answer right yet.
Jack demonstrates an avid interest in recreational reading. He "recreates" while other students read.
Mayrita appears to be showing an increased desire to consider demonstrating acceptable classroom behavior. She now appears to know the classroom rules. Some day she may even obey one.
Pablo participates enthusiastically in all art activities. He's especially adept at throwing pottery … and paint … and. …
Jeremy is stimulated by participation in sequential activities. He consistently insists on fighting his way to the front of the recess line.
Juanita needs more home study time. Could you please keep her home more often?
Michael demonstrates a need for guidance in the appropriate use of time. Three hours a day is entirely too much time to spend picking his nose.
David frequently appears bored and restless. You might want to consider placing him in a more challenging environment. Prison, perhaps?

Yeah, there are a million others.

Have you seen the Top Ten Politically Correct Terms for "Sin?"

10. Mostly righteous on a good day.
9. Ethically non-enlightened
8. Morally Dyslexic
7. Good (if marked on a curve)
6. Bearing a strong family resemblance to Adam.
5. Microsoft Perfection v.1.0
4. Gravitationally influenced (fallen)
3. Motown Motivated (Supremely affected by all the Temptations)
2. Living by trial and error.

(insert drum roll here)

1. Beta holiness.

Did I mention that I hate euphemisms? Euphemisms are for sissies.

I will tell you outright that I am fat, half-blind, clumsy, and dorky. Would these things change if I used different words? No. They would not. Would fancy words make me feel better? No. Spreading icing on a shitcake doesn't change anything; it just makes you madder if you bite.

I'd list some favorite government euphemisms but I ain't got all day.

It's already been a long day. A really, really long day.

You know. Mercurially AND chronologically challenged.