Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"Me Magazine." I'm still waiting.

I agree. When my kids were little, I used to subscribe to several parenting magazines, and few if any of my problems were ever featured anywhere in there. Maybe on the joke page, but never in an article with advice and solutions. Where were the articles about snakes and albino rats and a garden full of rotten tomatoes and little boys, and how to hang a swing on a tree when the branches are all taller than a four-story house, and how to tell a good yard sale from a bad yard sale just by reading the ad, and how a handful of chocolate chips won't hurt your child in the long run, and how to pack a school lunch when neither of your kids like sandwiches. . . . Etc.

It's still that way. Magazines don't talk to me. I'm not sure who they are talking to, but it's somebody way richer and more normal than me.

Now I like to read magazines about Beautiful Homes, and about Cooking. My own admittedly unique problems are NEVER in there, either.

For example, today I walked into the big bathroom and saw three slices of pepperoni on the sink. Where did they come from? Why are they there? Nobody in the publishing world can tell me. Nobody in the house seems to know, either.

As for the Cooking magazines, well, except for Country Woman and all the other Rieman Publications, most of those are not for the likes of me.

See, when I read an article called "Quick and Easy Summer Meals Your Whole Family Will Love, Using Ingredients You Already Have In Your Pantry," I do NOT expect the first recipe to start out with "Sprinkle 2 tsp. of saffron and 1/4 cup freshly-squeezed lime juice over two pounds of octopus, let marinate for an hour, and grill, grill, grill!"

Whose family, and whose pantry, are they talking about? I love to cook and bake and I keep a pretty good inventory of spices and herbs, but SAFFRON? Who can afford saffron?

Lemons. I have no limes, but I always have lemons. The octopus I don't have either, but maybe I could substitute the frozen catfish that's been in the freezer since. . . . well, for a while.

I guess I can make this dish anyway, by substituting lemon for lime, paprika for saffron, and catfish for octopus. Do you think anyone will notice?

Not in this house they won't.

(By the way, if you haven't already discovered "Stone Soup" by Jan Eliot, you're missing out on a really wonderful comic strip. It's one of my favorites.)