Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Disgraceful disrespect and political incorrectness. Run away before the rabbit devours you, run awayyyyyy.

I done outright STOLE this from Heather's blog.

Grab the nearest book.
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your own bulletin...along with these instructions.
Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

Here's mine: "His hands closed over mine as I jerked the blade free, but his strength was draining rapidly away and he could not hold me."

(Phantom, by Susan Kay)

All of you should do this. And then, you should do THIS:

Dash straight over to Heroine Girl's blog and do whatever she tells you to do. She knows best! Obey her! Maybe you'll win something really cool! (Note: Don't go if you're easily offended. You've been warned.)

As for me, it's been a good day so far. Class was great; in fact, it was hilarious. Well, in that somewhat shameful "look at that total stranger having a seizure in front of the restroom doors" sort of way.

Oh, you're right. It wasn't hilarious at all. Anyone who got all tickled and started snorting diet Coke out her nose should be ashamed.

But her pants came OFF. And she totally beat the liver and life out of those fat women who tried to help her; they just got too close to those flailing arms and feet. I think they were trying to put a handkerchief in her mouth so she wouldn't swallow her tongue, like the first-aid manual tells us to do, but the first-aid manual doesn't take into account the violence of a whirling dervish trying to hold onto a purse, whilst rolling all over the carpet and doing damage to anything that got close enough to smack up the side of the head.

And it looked so bad, what with the no pants and all, to passers-by who didn't realize there was a serious seizure a-happenin' there.

I'm sure the two old women who paused to look, and then walked on, saying "CARNAL, absolutely CARNAL" in that really loud old-person-who-doesn't-realize-she-has-gone-partially-deaf decibel level of voice, had no idea that at that very moment in time my students were looking up the etymology of the word "carnival" and getting ready to learn a reeeeealy "interesting" acronym concerning that root word and its various and sundry modern usages one of which is the infamous 'F' word. All done without anyone actually SAYING the 'F' word aloud.

It took us all about ten minutes to stop laughing.

Another thing. Women who wear pantyhose under their slacks should understand that when the crotch of the pantyhose starts falling, so does the crotch of the slacks. And you can't pull up the slacks AROUND the fallen pantyhose without making it seem as though your body is distorted in some way. And pantyhose on which more than half of the fabric has pulled away from the elastic should be discarded, not worn under slacks, where the waistband will gradually but certainly unravel what's left of the mesh and then when it no longer has any attachment to the mesh will ride up till it is under the armpits, making it appear that you are wearing a bikini swimsuit top underneath your slightly too-tight knit sweater. And the mesh will fall out of your pants by your feet, like forgotten dryer sheets. Except for the top, which will crumple on your behind and give you the appearance of a grown woman wearing a cloth diaper.

Some day, you might have a seizure in a public place, and these things will become known by people whose names you will never know.

Also, I forgot to deliver that important tax document to Belle, I counted seventeen cop cars hiding in the bushes alongside the highway, and I'm getting ready to go have some lunch.

Lunch. Mmmmmm.