Thursday, December 09, 2004

John Mellencamp didn't live there then. But he does now.

Once upon a time there was a bunch of college friends who went to Lake Monroe (home of John Mellencamp. . . . but not then) for an afternoon of fun. They rented a motorboat and attempted to do some water-skiing.

Let me backtrack a little bit. The bunch of college friends rented a motorboat and had a great time water-skiing because they'd all done it before. One member of this group, however, had never water-skied in her life. I think we all know who that was.

All attempts at disguising my identity aside, I never did get the hang of it. It required a degree of balance and coordination that I did not possess, have never possessed, and at this point in time will never possess.

To make matters worse, it was (of course) THAT TIME of the month, and I was a nervous wreck about, um, things.

I did, however, look really good in my blue denim string bikini. Remember, it was a long time ago.

After three disastrous attempts I called it quits and was quite content just watching my friends glide gracefully along behind the boat. It looked so effortless when they did it.

Just before we called it a day, they persuaded me to try one more time. I tried. This time I did manage to hang onto the ropes, but that is not what you're supposed to do when you've fallen out of the skis. I was dragged behind the boat, at full speed, for several minutes. When the boat finally stopped, I dogpaddled up to the edge and they pulled me in.

And then they started laughing. And pointing. I looked down at the water.

A tampon was floating on the surface of the water.

It was time to go back to the dorm.

I've never tried to water-ski ever again.

The end.

Epilogue: I found out years later that one reason I was always so clumsy was that I have muscular dystrophy. A mild case, but getting more noticeable with the passing years. Don't feel bad about laughing at the floating tampon, though. I've often wanted to mail this story in to the Jerry Lewis Telethon and tell them to lighten up. Life is so much better when you can laugh at things.

For example, just tonight I laughed when I dropped a can of store-brand tomato juice in the aisle and it bounced right back up into my hand. Well, that's not exactly why I laughed though. It was the little kid on the other side of the Polar Express cracker display, who saw my clever routine, and tried to bounce a gallon of 2% milk, that made me laugh.

You should have seen it. Also, it sounded like a bomb.

Speaking of which, was Jerry Lewis EVER funny?