Sunday, June 08, 2008

I Stole This From Mommak, She Stole It From Miss Britt, and I Hope You Steal It From Me

MommaK stole it from Miss Britt, and I stole it from MommaK. Please feel free to steal it from me.

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (Buck up and show some spunk.) (They're not coming over to inspect the house; they're coming to see us. ) (Don't talk about politics with a bump on a log.)

2. Tell if someone is lying. (I’m the world’s biggest sucker.)

3. Take a photo. (I’m good, honest. Everyone I know really has red eyes.)

4. Score a baseball game. (Just because I can doesn’t mean I will.)

5. Name a book that matters. (All of my books matter!)

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. ( No, not THAT well; it’s my brother.)

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (I could survive indefinitely in the woods. I don’t even need a grill.)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. (I’m a listener.)

9. Write a letter. (A skill everyone should have, and no, email isn’t really a letter..)

10. Buy a suit. (You mean, like Ward Cleaver and Joan Crawford wore to work?)

11. Swim three different strokes. (Basic, dog-paddle, and tread water. The world might not count those but I do.)

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. (I really do respect a lot of people.)

13. Throw a punch. (Lay a hand on my kids and you’ll find out.)

14. Chop down a tree. (Like Paul Bunyan.)

15. Calculate square footage. (I didn’t realize there would be any math on the meme. . . .)

16. Tie a bow tie. (Why? Did Wally Cox come back from the dead?)

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (I own a punch bowl and I used it once. . . .)

18. Speak a foreign language. (One of my biggest regrets, and it’s not too late yet..)

19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (I always consider everyone to be out of my league..)

20. Sew a button. (I can whip up a passable Halloween costume overnight.)

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Can we talk about literature and music?)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (Bad grammar merits no attention.)

23. Be loyal. (Absolutely.)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (Of course. I know yours, too.)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (Duh. Everyone should know the basic life skills.)

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (You didn’t say it had to be done well.)

27. Play gin with an old guy. (And I like to play euchre with old guys.)

28. Play go fish with a kid. (. . . as long as the kid lets me win at least one round.)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (I adore quantum physics! )

30. Feign interest. (. . . like a paid escort!)

31. Make a bed. (. . . which doesn’t mean I do it on a daily basis.)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. ( “Tart!”) (I loathe sweet wine)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (I love to play pool.)

34. Dress a wound. (First aid instructor at Camp Towaki – Place Where Friends Meet)

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I CAN if I have to, but I greatly fear sparks and flammable substances together.)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I’m a Blackjack girl, myself.)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. (like a Vegas dealer.)

38. Tell a joke. (I can tell it; the laughing-at-the-right-place is YOUR job.)

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (It’s all in the facial expression and bribe.)

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (See previous answer.)

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (I talk to cats.)

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help. (Practice makes perfect.)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. ( In girl-fights, there are no rules.)

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. (My own is huge, and I always assume all other women wear a 4.)

47. Recite one poem from memory. ( How about HUNDREDS?)

48. Remove a stain.

49. Say no. ( I always feel guilty, but I’ve learned to do it.)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

51. Build a campfire. ( See #7 up there.)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. (I’m a mommy. Need I say more? )

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (I can’t do it for myself, but I can do it for you.)

54. Break up a fight. (I’m a teacher. What do you think?.)

55. Point to the north at any time. (I need landmarks.)

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.

57. Explain what a light-year is.

58. Avoid boredom. (Bored? There is always something to do around here! )

59. Write a thank-you note. (No, children, email and phone calls do not count!.)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (ketchup)

61. Cook bacon. ( I love thin, crispy but not crunchy, bacon!)

62. Hold a baby. (Good thing!.)

63. Deliver a eulogy. (I could write one, but I’m not sure I could give one unless maybe it was someone I didn’t know all that well in which case why would I be doing it?)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. (diseases, Dominican Republic, and pay.)

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (Not any more.)

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (Why would I even want to?)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.

68. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Eventually.)

69. Tie a knot.

70. Shake hands.

71. Iron a shirt. ( . . . which doesn’t mean I WILL.)

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I used to be really good at that.)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. (Why would I want to do that? I can massage anyone’s neck, but “caress” has a different connotation. I would caress a man’s neck, though.)

74. Know some birds. (Robin. Cardinal. Bluebird. Little yellowish bird that chirps funny. Hummingbird.)

75. Negotiate a better price. (I am too shy.)

Posted by Mamacita (The REAL one) @ 1:13 PM | |


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