Monday, October 15, 2007

"Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out. "

I am madly and inappropriately in love with Dr. Perry Cox, and no, I don't want to hear any jokes about his name, thankyouverymuch.

There is something about a man who is blindingly intelligent and blisteringly sarcastic and heartrendingly sensitive that just. . . . well, never you mind.

In fact, I'm probably imagining the whole thing.

It's a fictional character, for crying out loud.

And I'm far too old to hang out on YouTube just to catch Perry on Season Six because I CAN'T WAIT for the DVD's to be released.

It's almost enough to make a TV-hater walk downstairs and try to figure out how the remote works. . . .almost.

Nah. I'll wait for the dvd release. I hate TV.

"I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! Oh, and Hugh Jackman. "

"By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments."

"If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?"

"First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five."

"Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now."

"Clam up Newbie! I wanted you to think about yourself... AND I MEAN REALLY THINK!... What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. BUT SO YOU COULD READ IT! You see in the end Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients for Gods sake! The only one you have to answer to Newbie, is you! There, YOU ARE evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truely make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself!"

"They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good."

"You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep."

"You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless."

"It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings."

"At first I just threw your memo away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks."

"Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it. But hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all."

"I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine... and there you are."

"No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient."

"Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

"Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice. Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley."

"You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29."

"I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!"

"By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments."

"If I have to see one more broken down piece of equipment, one more Gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself and I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can't make myself catch on fire like the Human Torch. And mark my words, newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back to destroy this place."

"Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless it's firing out of both exits."

"Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy."

" Oh gosh, Margery, aren't you sassy today. Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted?"

"Oh my god, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish."

"Bobby, lately I've noticed that you don't listen to a single word people say, so my reply to your question is, I think you're the world's biggest jackass and I look forward to your death."

"When spoken to, Newbie. When spoken to. Here, I thought we were clear on that one!"

"Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night."

"Newbie, what are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?"

"Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: 'Brrring! Hello? Operator? Give me (hacking cough), then you'd be right. But since I"m not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors. He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of them would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of them are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?"

“..your guilty anguish is - it’s delicious. It’s like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it’s all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.”

"I would like to make special mention of one intern here: John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely confident, and his enthusiasm - and his determination to always be better - is something I see in him twenty-four hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. "

I adore him.


Mamacita, Scheiss Weekly