Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Holy Enema: STOP THAT PACING and Buy a Decent Dress!

If not for many of the so-called "Christians," more people would believe in God.

I have seen several videos of Benny Hinn in action, and his action is usually one of two things: he blows on people and his breath knocks them down like rows of dominoes, OR, he takes off his white or pastel jacket and wields it like a bullwhip, tearing into a crowd and levelling it. Either way, he whoops like a banshee, and if I saw him running towards me I would somehow find the strength to outrun him and hide somewhere safe.

I understand that Benny Hinn is threatening to sue The Wittenburg Door because they posted a video of his wife Suzanne Hinn on their website.

I've seen the video, and aside from her hideous dress, joke-inspiring hair, witless lack of vocal expertise, and pathetic choice of wording, I saw nothing wrong with the video. It would have made a good SNL sketch, but unfortunately, it's for real. She's a joke, a huge, out-of-breath buffoon, but there's nothing actually 'wrong' with the video. Sadly, it's all too accurate.

Why do so many of these people have such huge oddly-colored monster-size hair and hideous dresses? Why don't they take a few speech lessons?

Public speaking rule #1: STAND STILL!
Public speaking rule #2: LEARN HOW TO BREATHE!
Public speaking rule #3: DO NOT REFER TO GOD AND ENEMAS IN THE SAME SENTENCE!
Public speaking rule #4: Since you're spending a lot of your believers' money on personal things anyway, please go out and buy a decent dress.

In my humble opinion, The Wittenburg Door is one of the wittiest newsletters out there today; it is, among other things, living proof that some Christians are intelligent and have a genuine sense of humor. I'm sure that God laughs Himself sick over The Wittenburg Door. At least, the God I believe in would.

God Almighty and the intelligent Christians laugh themselves sick over Suzanne Hinn, too, but not for the same reasons. Sigh. I really don't understand it; don't all Christians speak regularly of the Holy Enema, and taking it up the butt?

If only I were taking Mrs. Hinn's pacing sermon out of context. . . .

And oh, speaking of her famous Holy Enema video, here it is.