Saturday, November 06, 2004

Head in a goldfish bowl. Not what you might think.

It's four o'clock in the morning, and I am still in the throes of the worst and longest case of insomnia ever recorded in the annals of history. That's "annals," with two "n's."

Is this going to last forever? Am I going to continue to exist, eyeballs wide open and dilated and dry, till I'm nothing but a disembodied head in a goldfish bowl, sitting on a lazy Susan in the middle of God's kitchen table, babbling on and on about the 5,000 dead fiancees of the Cartwright boys, and their father's kiss-of-death wedding ring?

Does anybody, besides me, remember Jethrine Bodine?

Does anybody, besides me, worry about those secondary and tertiary characters in old tv shows? Did Larry Mundello ever go to the Prom? Did Lumpy Rutherford ever find happiness? Did Whitey's mother ever serve anything for supper besides a loaf of meat?

Does anybody else think Eddie Haskell looks like Eminem?

Where would Aunt Bee go if Andy ever kicked her out? Who else would have her? Anybody could tell she was driving them all crazy. And is 'Opie' his real name? And if it isn't, what is it short for? Whatever happened to Ellie? Did Helen Crump strangle her and dump her body out past the Mount Airy diner? When Thelma Lou and Barney made fudge every Tuesday night, was that a euphemism? Would he have been grinning like that for fudge?

Wouldn't Gomer have been up before a firing squad in real life? Who would put up with that crap? Can you imagine Osama and Gomer, face to face? Talk about a Stupid Contest with a dual first place. Would Gomer try to convince Sergeant Carter that Osama was a good ol' boy who just needed some exposure to good ol' American ways? Would Osama then go on tv and say "Golleeeeeeee?"

I think in real life, Ricky Ricardo would have shot Lucy and hung her body in the dressing room of Babalu. And what's with that December-May Mertz marriage? Why were Ricky and Fred hanging out together? Isn't Fred old enough to be the father of each of the other three?

Did you know that the Bobby who danced on Lawrence Welk is the same Bobby who wore Mouse ears and danced on the Mickey Mouse Club? And that the Sharon who danced inside the Pufnstuff costume is the same Sharon who wore Mouse ears and danced on the Mickey Mouse Club? And that Darlene had to wear a bra that mashed her boobs down flat so she wouldn't look all busty in the sweater? And for that matter, so did Buffy on Family Affair? It makes a person wonder about those Brady Bunch girls. But then, their skirts were so short, you could almost see their boobs from that angle. And their mother's, too. Gross. Thank goodness for Alice and her uniform.

And those girls in that boarding school run by Chloris Leachman were just plain weird. Even the young George Clooney couldn't save that show from death by ennui. He should have kept saying "We're in a tight spot!" to the chubby blonde one, and run off with her to Tahiti or someplace where she wouldn't have to wear that uniform with the ill-fitting jacket.

I am sooooo tired. Why can't I sleep? I haven't slept for months.

I don't even watch tv. Why are all these olden-days scenarios running through my head at this hour?

Wilbur should have taken that talking horse and gone on tv with him and made some money. Of course, Ed would probably have pulled a Michigan J. Frog and refused to talk for the public, but it would have made ONE interesting episode anyway. And Wilbur going crazy would have been funny.

Don't even get me started on Samantha and her two husbands who didn't even look alike. I've read that even today, some people refuse to believe there were two. What are they, blind?

Or Green Acres. Every character on that show made me flinch. It was years before I could watch "Escape to Witch Mountain" without cringing. Even now I imagine Eddie Albert going cross-country in that big camper just to get away from Eva Gabor.

I swear, if I come across one more blog-wanna-be about a purpose-driven life, I'm going to scream.

And some of you may have fascinating blogs. I can't tell, because your font is so tiny and your colors blend together and there are so many animations that I have a seizure trying to make out the words in, among, and around the dancing teddy bears.

Most of you: Thank you. You have enriched my life with your lives.

What I need right now is a really boring blog that will put me to sleep. You know what, though. . . . tonight, all I am finding are the interesting ones. Maybe I should just go back and re-read my own. Sometimes it's pretty boring.

Good night, all. Or rather, good morning.